YAPH: Management Techniques
Management Techniques of the
Bottom 95% of U.S. Corporations
- Hire the best employees you can possibly afford then ignore
their input, micro-manage them and second guess their decisions.
- Recognize employees who develop new or extend existing skills by
putting others in charge of related projects.
- Keep staffing levels critically low.
- Hire consultants to "relieve" the workload. Temporary employees
do not raise head count and rumors of exorbitant hourly rates will
engage staff as their new co-workers "come up to speed".
- Criticism must be public to be effective.
- Reward successful and overachieving employees with increased
workloads. reduce the milieu of other staff accordingly.
- Reward poor employees, beyond keeping them on the payroll, by
offering them the same education and advancement opportunities as
- Choose your subordinate managers carefully. Skilled, savvy people
with good interpersonal and organizational skills can threaten your
position; never promote these employees and they will leave under
their own accord.
- Lay claim to areas serviced by other divisions and departments.
- Never give up something no matter how badly you're doing
("If you've got it, hold it!").
- Build dysfunctional teams by forcing motivated, knowledgeable
employees to work closely with underachievers and the inept.
- Cultivate an adversarial relationship to other departments and divisions.
- Insist upon skill-sharing and cross-training without allocating
time or reducing workloads.
- Encourage "round-table" discussions then dominate them and dismiss
- Break down social and personal barriers by intruding upon unproductive
time such as trips to the restroom, meals, sleep and family visits.
- Prioritize all tasks and projects equally.
- Delay action on major and minor projects then make snap decisions.
- Set arbitrary deadlines and stick to them.
- Keep "top level" information to yourself and deluge staffers with
- Publish standard operating procedures that are neither standard
nor the procedure.
- Define "corporate goals" near mid-year.
- Use your investment portfolio as a handy guide for decision making.
- Involve subordinates in the decision making process by having them attend
a merry-go-round of unrelated meetings.
- Establish a corporate Project Management Office then ignore it.
- Maintain an atmosphere of crisis.
- Recognize best practices by ignoring them, they'll go away.
- Define "opportunities" in terms of additional work.
- Require non-critical work to be performed after-hours, on
weekends and over holidays.
- Stratify management and encourage bureaucracy.
- Create a "culture of meetings".
- Base critical decisions upon incomplete or inaccurate information.
- Encourage subcommitees.
- Embrace the status quo. Decay is preferable to change.
- Lavish praise on minor accomplishments.
- Buck the trend by curtailing perks.
- Silently live by the motto,"No policy is the best policy."
- Keep the rumor trade busy by not stating objectives.
- Publish costly, colorful, and content-free internal bulletins.
I wish to thank the effete, small-minded corporate toadies who brought
the existence of this page to the notice of management. I also wish to thank
the Legal Department and my Managing Director for having both presence of
mind and a sense of humor. I refer everyone to the below links:
Center for Democracy & Technology- Free Speech Online
Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) "Censorship & Free Expression" Archive
© Copyright 1997-2002, R. Lonstein
last modified: 15:42:28 09-Mar-2002